1. So, we're sitting around the kitchen talking about food, as it tends to happen. My grandfather and grandmother are talking about something, until my grandfather asks, "Hey Jean, what happened to your cake?" Clearly, he knows something I do not.
"My cake? I threw it out!"
"Why?" There is sadness in my grandfather's voice.
"I only had two eggs! I needed four!" Running out of food almost never happens in my grandparents' house. This is a travesty. My little white-haired grandmother is quite full of irritation right now.
"You should have just cut the cake in half! You need to learn some ingenuity!" Obviously, my grandfather is no chef.
2. My grandfather no longer excels in the fine art of hearing. After dinner tonight, I asked if there were any peas left from dinner.
"We got some cheddar in the fridge!" my grandfather helpfully replies.
"PEAS!" My grandmother and I yell, simultaneously.
3. All of a sudden, my grandfather comes out with the line "So, I need to tell you about my May 31st Debacle.." Immediately I know that this is going to be a fantastic yarn. Either that or a really bad joke involving a three-legged pig. In this case, it turned out to be the former. My grandmother, my father and I are all waiting in anticipation of what misadventure befell my grandfather this time.
"So, May 31st. I'm coming back from the doctor's and I decide to stop by Roche's [my grandparent's favorite grocery store] on the way back home and grab a few things. I come out with my purchases, just two bags y'know, and I go to get into the car. I had the white Buick, and y'know we've been having some troubles with all the cars so I go to open the door and it won't open. So I figure I grabbed the wrong keys or something, maybe some other keys to a different car were near me in the car and I grabbed them instead. There I am with my bags of groceries, locked out, no phone or anything, so I figure I can go in and see if the manager can help me."
At this point, we're all shaking our heads, waiting for the rest of the tale to unfold. This sort of thing happens to my grandfather occasionally, so we aren't that surprised. In fact, this is one of the tamer adventures. He continues.
"The manager comes out with me and we see that the window is open a crack. So I go, 'If I could just press that unlock button in there with my cane, I could get in!'.."
"..Carl, this is the reason why senior citizens have a bad name!" My grandmother is the queen of interjecting my grandfather's story with sarcastic bits of insight. He disregards the interruption, and goes on again.
"Anyways, I get my cane in there and press the unlock button so the door opens right up. I thank the manager and get my bags in and everything, ready to head home. I go to put the key in the ignition, but the key won't work! So, I look around to see if there were another set of keys or something in the car until I realize, this isn't my car!"
We all bust ourselves up laughing, seriously. Even my grandfather is laughing so hard he's crying. Now this story makes sense, because it has reached the appropriate calibre of ridiculous to be expected in my grandfather's stories. Once the laughter dies down enough for my grandfather to be audible again, he finishes the retelling of his almost-grand theft auto.
"I get out of the car and look next to me and there, right next to this car I've been in, is another white Buick. There were two white Buicks right next to each other! I got in the wrong one!"
My grandmother is still cracking up left and right but she says, "See, Carl, I told you. You are the reason why senior citizens have such a bad reputation."
"Yeah, yeah I suppose so." He says, and he wipes some tears from his eyes. "I was debating about telling you people at all. This is a family secret!" He tries to say this as gravely as possible, but we all bust ourselves up all over again. My grandfather, car-thief extraordinaire. Seriously.
In other news, the apocalypse came a day late. I have been hiding inside from the rain and wind and reading Bleak House which is, you know, full of rain and wind. Smart.